1. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 2. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 3. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 4. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 5. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a freaking Indian. 6. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. 7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. 8. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 9. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes… ever. 10. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 12. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. 13. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant. He just refuses to put up with lactose's crap. 14. When Chuck Norris drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny. 15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. 16. Chuck Norris made killing cool. Before everybody was like, "Killing? Yeah right!" But now everybody is like, "Sweet." 17. When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger. 18. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. 19. Chuck Norris can remove the wrapper of a Starburst inside of his mouth. He can also remove the wrapper of a Starburst inside someone else's mouth with a well placed roundhouse kick. 20. When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris. 21. Crazy Glue is actually pure Chuck Norris sweat. 22. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries... even when he gets a paper cut. 23. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man into next week. He then roundhouse kicked himself into next week, so that he could roundhouse kick the man again. 24. Bulletproof vests are actually woven from Chuck Norris' beard trimmings. 25. Chuck Norris does not live life on the edge; life lives on the edge of Chuck Norris. 26. Whenever Chuck Norris needs a new pair of boots he just goes out and kicks through a cow. 27. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany. 28. Every time Chuck Norris kills a man, an angel gets its wings. Every time a puppy dies, Chuck Norris laughs. 29. Klondike bars ask what they can do for Chuck Norris. 30. If you drop a phonograph needle on Chuck Norris' nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds. 31. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the blackness out of Michael Jackson. The obsession with young boys came later, as a side effect. 32. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. 33. Chuck Norris taught everyone in Texas karate, so that it would look cooler when he beat them up on TV. 34. Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond. 35. There once was a man from Nantucket. Chuck Norris paralyzed him from the waist down. 36. Chuck Norris doesn’t have a keyboard for his computer. Instead he stares at the screen until his thoughts appear there. 37. If a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one is anywhere around, rest assured that Chuck Norris heard it. 38. Chuck Norris can drink a gallon of milk and poop whole sticks of butter. 39. Few people know that President Jimmy Carter appointed Chuck Norris as Secretary of Awesome in 1978. This cabinet level position was later rescinded in 1981 after Norris refused to give up his title. 40. If Superman and the Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win: Chuck Norris. 41. Chuck Norris beat up MacGyver using only a paper clip, a rubber band, and a pinecone. 42. Chuck Norris owns 3 pit bulls and 2 dobermans, yet if you go near his property the only sign you see is "Beware of Chuck Norris". 43. Chuck Norris requires only one roundhouse kick to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop. 44. God created heaven and earth. He then created man. Man overpopulated the earth, so God created Chuck Norris. 45. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn’t push himself up. He pushes the Earth down. 46. As the saying goes: don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. On a similar note, don’t bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight. 47. When Chuck Norris needs to shave he simply coats his head in blood and dips his face into a shark tank. 48. The R.E.M. song "Everybody Hurts" was inspired by an incident back in '86 when Chuck Norris ordered an unsweetened tea, and was told they didn't serve unsweetened tea at that particular restaurant. Well they do now. 49. Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes, he steps on necks. 50. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. 51. Those aren't credits that roll after “Walker Texas Ranger.” It is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day. 52. Chuck Norris has steel wool instead of body hair, which is why he does the dishes naked. 53. It was proclaimed that the character Walker Texas Ranger was based on the life of Chuck Norris' grandson, Toby Norris, in the year 2030, and slightly changed to a western theme. When asked about the show’s theme change Norris replied, "It's just more realistic that a cowboy sheriff is a martial arts master..." Norris then threw a smoke bomb on the floor and vanished, but had to come back because he forgot his car keys. 54. Chuck Norris can shoot at cars with a revolver and make them explode. He told me all you have to do is make a real macho face when you're aiming and you'll hit the gas tank every time. 55. There are really two ways to kill a werewolf: a silver bullet and Chuck Norris. But if Chuck Norris ever gets turned into a werewolf then God help us all. 56. Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' 'bout. 57. Chuck Norris once ate a whole birthday cake before his friends could tell him that there was a bikini clad girl in it. 58. Muhammad Ali does not have Parkinson's. He simply shivers in fear at the thought of Chuck Norris. 59. Chuck Norris likes Pina Coladas, but hates getting caught in the rain. 60. A reporter once asked Chuck Norris how he had gotten such a violent reputation. Chuck Norris responded, "By being violent." The reporter was promptly carried away from the interview in several pieces. 61. Chuck Norris has a 6th, and probably a 7th sense. 62. Chuck Norris can survive indefinitely out in the desert without water. His secret? Squeezing the water out of grains of sand. 63. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lays potato chip. 64. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart. 65. Someone once approached Chuck Norris suggesting that rearranging the letters in his name reveals the message "I churn corks". He then brutally murdered them saying "They knew too much". 66. Jack Kevorkian refers his patients to Chuck Norris. 67. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 68. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubik’s Cube and poop it out solved. 69. Chuck Norris ties dead puppies to his feet to simulate real blood spraying from the faces of his stunt actors. 70. Chuck Norris invented EZ Squeeze Cheeze. He got the idea from crushing a man until his intestines came out of his mouth. 71. Chuck Norris once ran over a little girl's bike and laughed for three days. Sadly, the little girl was still on her bike. 72. The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!" 73. Chuck Norris is the reason you shouldn't mess with Texas. 74. Chuck Norris is the one who pooped in the pool. As children scream and try to climb out, Chuck laughs and pushes them back in. 75. Chuck Norris cried wolf, but only to beat up the villagers who showed up. 76. Chuck Norris went to McDonald’s and ordered a McNorris. When the guy behind the counter tried to tell him that there is no such thing as a McNorris, Chuck karate chopped off the guy’s fingers, threw them in the fry-o-later, and then served them in an unsuspecting child’s Happy Meal. 77. Chuck Norris takes cold showers, but still manages to steam up the mirror. 78. Chuck Norris can make Communism work. 79. Chuck Norris' DNA is 90 percent denim. 80. Chuck Norris can take a number two while standing. 81. Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. But then he lifts it anyways, just to show you how awesome he is. 82. What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris and a pair of cowboy boots? A roundhouse kick to the forehead... don't ever cross Chuck Norris. 83. When Chuck Norris breaks up with a girl he doesn’t bother with the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. He comes right out and says that it’s her. 84. Chuck Norris was once the judge at an interpretive dance competition. He found them guilty. 85. Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him. 86. Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris. 87. If you ever see Chuck Norris running, it's already too late. 88. If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying. 89. Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pees. 90. Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person. 91. Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club. 92. They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Neither does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to. 93. Chuck Norris gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more. 94. Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident. 95. Chuck Norris thought Arnold Schwarzenegger’s movie "Commando" was lacking in senseless killings. 96. We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic. 97. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost. 98. The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins. 99. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. 100. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet. 101. Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.