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Airline cabin announcements

Discussion in 'Comedy' started by ccavacini, Nov 17, 2006.

  1. ccavacini

    ccavacini Super Mod Mod

    Airline cabin announcements

    All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight

    "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some

    real examples that have been heard or reported:

    1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit

    where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when

    a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out

    furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

    2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the

    pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will

    be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance

    the appearance of your flight attendants."

    3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your

    belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

    something we'd like to have.

    4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out

    of this airplane"

    5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving

    us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone

    voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

    7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a

    flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when

    opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure

    as hell everything has shifted."

    8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245

    to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,

    and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't

    know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

    unsupervised."

    9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend

    from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

    If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before

    assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,

    pick your favorite."

    10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but

    we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,

    nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

    11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an

    emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

    compliments."

    12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

    Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.

    Please do not leave children or spouses."

    13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is

    pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

    Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

    14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake

    City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a

    bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the

    airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight

    attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

    15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a

    particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was

    really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight

    Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in

    your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left

    of our airplane to the gate!"

    16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We

    ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the

    terminal."

    17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered

    his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which

    required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,

    smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in

    light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the

    eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had

    gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir,

    do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.

    "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"



    18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on

    with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash

    and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the

    gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are

    silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage

    to the terminal."

    19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank

    you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane

    urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope

    you'll think of US Airways."

    20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish

    to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can

    light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

    21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a

    comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the

    intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to

    Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to los Angeles. The weather ahead

    is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now

    sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes,

    the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am

    so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight

    attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see

    the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You

    should see the back of mine."

     
  2. Number 18 is by far my favorite.