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Getting old ...

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got

my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I

decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated ,

jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my

leotards on, the class was over.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you

think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply

replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own

Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the

very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she

replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip

replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half

blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different

medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and

feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and

second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher

exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me

twice a week ."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not

as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my

body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your

coffeemaker.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For

fast relief."

---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age,

but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

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