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Office poop rules (Yes it's true)

Discussion in 'Comedy' started by ChapstickCharlie, Mar 17, 2006.

  1. Presenting the ultimate quintessential guideline:

    HOW TO POOP AT WORK

    As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
    inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival
    guide for taking a dump at the office.

    CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
    smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
    where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
    fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
    left your pants.

    FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
    suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
    a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
    embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
    did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
    pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
    for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
    pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
    should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
    bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
    bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
    have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
    if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
    the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY
    FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
    tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
    vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
    occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
    avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
    you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
    occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
    pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
    Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
    always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

    Future installments will include 'Pooping in the woods, a guide to poison ivy' and the rarely seen 'Gas station dump at two in the morning.'
     
  2. that is just too funny!!..............and very educational
     

  3. The tears don't seem to want to stop after reading that!
     
  4. That is funny stuff! I think i have used most of those at work,but didn't realize they had names for it!
     
  5. Office Etiquette

    Who in the hell sits around and thinks up this stuff. This is really funny. I am reading this thinking, this happens everyday at my office.
     
  6. 1st golfing now this

    My fellow breathern: I understand spring has been a long time coming but!!!!!!!please GOD let the sun warm up the water, let the shroomers start shrooming, turkey wackers start wacking turkeys. My own sanity has been pushed to its limits now that I am reading abut office sh*t. good bye have nice weekend I will check the INDIANA SPORTSMAN on monday somebody start a thread that is worth reading:banghead3
     
  7. DB quick question, what style or content or type of writing do you expect to come upon in the "COMEDY" section of this website when spring is in full bloom and you are chasing all those mushrooms and fishes around anyway? Give us a taste will ya and we'll surely take your lead.
     
  8. Good question, Charlie...by the way, I laughed out loud several times while reading. We've got a rampant out-of-the-closet pooper at work.
     
  9. It's funny and true to. VERY FUNNY
     
  10. Most of the "poopers" sound vaguely familar :16suspect LOL.
     
  11. WOW-What a gutbuster!! Brings several tears to the eyes. Looking forward to the other ones!!!!
     
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