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The Taser

Discussion in 'Comedy' started by Hoosier_Steelheader, Feb 1, 2006.

  1. Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a
    guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
    interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
    little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
    triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
    disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
    it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
    electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
    face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?!!!

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
    little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
    needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
    I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
    better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
    thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
    assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
    perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
    in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
    disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
    spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
    purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
    less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
    itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
    as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
    a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give
    myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
    my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
    the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
    over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
    with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
    nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
    meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
    thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
    caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
    violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
    considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like blazes!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
    sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
    little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
    glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
    like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for
    their safe return.
  2. ccavacini

    ccavacini Super Mod Mod

    You are one sick fellow....did it clear up your complexion?

  3. Thanks for the tip. I was thinking what could that little thing do only powered by two batteries. Well Buddy now ya know and so do I thanks for sharing your experience with us and saving me the pain and testicle disappearing act. God knows I don't need that! But I do have to say you are a little tiny bit:coco: but you got stones well before the electric shocks anyway.
  4. taser

    that was a great laugh steel!:biggrin: I have e-mailed the story to 100 of my closest friends! Lot funnier than watching my 19 year son test our invisible fence by holding the dog collar...he still rolling!

    old rookie
  5. I'm still laffing!!! :tongue: :bouncy: :bouncy:
  6. OMG, Funny Stuff!!!

    Ohh my gosh..... I can't stop laughing and my stomach hurts now... Thanks for the good laugh!!! I try to remember not to do that again.