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"Walks into a bar"

Discussion in 'Comedy' started by ChapstickCharlie, Oct 29, 2005.

  1. Ok, who is up for a round of "bar" jokes?


    Me first, a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck on his crotch. Bartender says 'why ya got a steering wheel down there?' Pirate says 'Arghh, it's drivin me nuts!'
     
  2. ccavacini

    ccavacini Super Mod Mod

    A man walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
    alligator up on the bar.

    He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal.
    I'll open this alligator's mouth & place my genitals inside. Then the gator
    will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove
    my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will
    buy me a drink."

    The crowd murmured in unanimous approval.



    The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates
    in the alligator's open mouth. The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd
    gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator
    hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed
    his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his
    free drinks were delivered.
    The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."



    A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the
    bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up .....





    "I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."
     

  3. ccavacini

    ccavacini Super Mod Mod

    A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender " set up 10 shots of tequilia, I need'em bad." the bartender complies and ask the man why he is drinking so heavily. The man replies that he just found out his brother is gay, and he needs the drinks to help him accept the news.
    A week later the same man walks back in the bar and tells the bartender " set up 10 shots of tequilia, I just found out my youngest son is gay, and I needem to cope with the news.
    A week later the same man returns to the bar and tells the bartender to set up 10 shots of tequilia, says he just found out his oldest son is gay, and he needs them to help him accept the news.
    After another week the man returns to the bar, and tells the bartender to set up 10 shots of tequilia, the bartender looks at him and says " good god man, not again, doesnt anybody in your family like women?. The man replies, "just found out my wife does, give me the shots
     
  4. Good one with the alligator.

    A guy walks into a pub and tells the keeper to set up three pints. The keeper puts them on the bar, the guy pays for all three and takes them to a dark corner where he slowly drinks them all. The keeper watches awhile, then goes over to the guy.

    "You know, if I drew those one at a time they'd stay fresher for you."

    "I know that, Sonny," the old guy says. "But they aren't just for me. See, one is for my brother who immigrated to America. One is for my other brother who immigrated to Australia. And the last one is for me, but before they went I told them both I would drink for them whenever I felt a need to imbibe.

    The barkeeper said he understood and returned to the bar. The old guy finished his drinks and left.

    A week later the old guy comes into the pub, orders three pints, takes them to the table and drinks them, then leaves. The keeper just watched.

    The following week the old guy comes in, bellies up to the bar and orders two pints. The keeper looked at him but the old guy doesn't say anything.

    "Everything okay?" the keeper cautiously inquires.

    "Yeah," the old guy says, then looks up and sees the look of concern on the keeper's face. "Oh," he says. "You're thinking something happened to one of my brothers. No, sonny, it's Lent and I gave up drinking for the week."
     
  5. A naked man walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables draped around his neck. Steps to the bar and orders a beer. The bar tender says "ok, but don't start anything".
     
  6. A guy walks into a bar and he's got a monkey with him. The guy orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. While the guy drinks his beer the monkey picks up a handful of olives and eats them.

    "Hey!" the bartender says. "That damn monkey just ate my olives."

    "That figures," the guy says. "He eats everything he can get his hands on. Don't worrry about it. I'll pay for it."

    About then the monkey goes over to the pool table, picks up the cue ball and eats it.

    "Now that's it," the bartender says. "He's eaten my cue ball."

    "Figures," the guy says. "He eats everthing. Here, I'll pay for it."

    So the guy gets out his wallet, pays the bill, gathers up the monkey and leaves.

    A week later the guy and the monkey show up at the bar again. He orders a beer and the monkey goes over to the bowl of Marachino cherries. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it back out, sniffs it, then eats it.

    "That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen," the bartender says.

    The guy's leaning on the bar, sipping his beer. "Yeah," he agrees. "Ever since that cue ball he's been a lot more careful about what he eats."
     
  7. Baby Harp Seal walk into a Club